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[ShrinkinSiren]

So... I'm trying hard not to be a lurker, cuz I don't like when ppl lurk me. But I'm finding it hard to find a voice here. You all seem so bonded, which is FANTASTIC, but a little daunting. I guess I just wanted to confess that and say that I find all of your stories and posts so inspiring, and that I know you more than you know me, and I'll try to stick my nose in more often!

Ok, so to the point... I still have a long way to go on my weight loss journey, but I am really starting to get strong urges to date. I've been single for nearly 5 years, and those years have been filled up with finishing a bachelor's degree, and then a master's degree, and then getting my first teaching job, and then the lap band... and about 4 moves. So I just haven't had the time or energy to look for someone, let alone spend time with anyone.

So now I'm feeling these strong urges to date, but the thing is, I never have. Dated, that is. I've always just jumped into the deep end of a relationship with someone I was already close to. That hasn't worked out so well, and I don't want to do it anymore, but I don't really know how to do the more fun way.

I know what I want. I don't want to meet someone online (been there, done that). I know I need to start putting myself in lots more social situations, and I'm working on that. I have a lot of interests that result in being in large groups of people, so that won't be a problem. But I think I have a learning disability of some kind when it comes to recognizing the signals when someone is interested or attracted. I'm a dating dyslexic! I've had people tell me,  in the past, that they were interested in me and would have made a move if I'd shown the slightest interest back. It's incredibly frustrating. I think it's possible that it comes from years of not showing attraction out of such a profound fear of rejection due to my size.

So I'm getting brave (kinda having to do that just to post this), and I'm ready to dive in to the shallow end! But I'm wondering if y'all have any advice about recognizing attraction/interest, and what to do about it! 

[shepkatt]

Hey Sarah!  Congrats on coming out of lurkedom!  I know how you feel about the whole 'bonded' thing on the forum.. There have been times that I have posted on other forums and no one responds yet they respond to some stupid "I bought a hamster" post that a 'regular" sticks out there.   You just have to keep piping up and getting your thoughts out there.  As you post, everyone gets to know you and before you know it - You're a regular.. :-)  It's not so hard and everyone here is as nice as can be..  So this is a great step!

As far as dating goes - I have no advice.. I have been married for 20 years so I am a bit out of the loop on that one.  It was the 80s the last time I tried my hand at it..   The internet wasn't even around yet.  But.. as you get more comfortable with yourself and get out there in those social situations something will happen.  Confidence is sexy.. So know that you are fabulous and that you deserve to find someone who will appreciate your fabulous-ness :-)

I will leave the dating advice to the folks here who actually know what they are talking about.. 

[McNee]

Can you clarify what you mean by "I don't want to meet someone online (been there, done that)."

I mean... some of my best friends in the world I met online. There are people in my life I consider true friends (some for over 10 years now) that I have never met face-to-face, but have chatted with online and on the phone.

I've had relationships with people I've met online via chat rooms and such that haven't worked out, but I'm not sure I would say it had anything to do with things having started online.

I guess what I'm getting at, is if you are ready to start meeting people, don't rule out online just cause of past experiences.

I've also had relationships with people I've met offline that didn't work out... not sure I'd recommend giving up entirely on meeting people, ya know?

Now, if yer talking specifically about long-distance... yea, I can empathize with that. Been down that road enough times that I'm not sure I would even attempt it, cause there's pretty much no chance of me being the one to relocate at this point in my life.

If you're ready to get out there.. GREAT! there's some wonderful folks here that can give you some encouragement...  and there are some great ways to meet people (even using "online" resources)... just make sure you are ready. While they're "guidelines", there is a reason most folks will tell you to wait until you're a year or more post-op before diving in to the dating pool.

I thought I was ready a couple months ago, but I think I came to realize I was more enamoured with the idea of being with someone than I was actually ready for the practicality of actually being with someone.

[ttowe]

Sarah...

good for you for putting this out there. First of all..I hope you don't feel excluded by the so called bonding. It just takes a little time and effort on your part, and letting everyone get to know you more, and soon enough you'll be gabbing on with the with rest of us freaks.  Some of the members have been here for a long time but don't let that intimidate you. Jump right on. I can tell you I personally will do my best to make sure no one on this site gets flamed or slammed for anything they say. We just not like that here. ( and I hope it stays that way)

Secondly dating. .NOT  A Pro at this....but I can offer up one little piece of advice. If you want to know if a guys if into you. Just ask them. Don't wait around for them to make a move. Not only does this help to NOT waste a lot of time but  a lot of men, they find women that are confident in themselves, very attractive, so if you show them you have the confidence to be straight up....you may be surprised by their responses.

[ShrinkinSiren]

Thanks Lynnda - Luckily confidence is something I do have, which I'm thankful for. I just need to learn to translate it into dating and relating to the opposite sex. BTW, your photo is amazing... you are truly a retro goddess!

McNee - Yes, I'm equating online with long-distance. I've had two serious relationships, both started online, both were doomed to failure. The first because neither of us wanted to relocate and the second because the relocation put way too much pressure on the relationship. I'd be open to meeting someone online as long as there was an opportunity to meet irl soon and we lived close enough to each other.

I am ready to date for fun, though I know I'm not ready for anything serious. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past as far as rushing in too soon. Plus, it would just be nice to get out and do things with other people (dates and just new friends). Thanks for responding.

Toni - Nope, don't feel excluded... more intimidated, which I recognize is about me and not y'all. It is such a friendly board and I'm really drawn to be a big part of it, and just haven't figured out how yet. I will if it's meant to be. Thanks for keeping it so positive!

[baka]

Welcome aboard.

I know a lot of people who have found that http://www.meetup.com/ has helped them gain confidence and freedom from their tubby imposed prison - Myself included.

I joined two bike groups and a tennis one.... my wife joined a couple of mother and toddler groups - We're having a blast and getting fit at the same time.

I really do hope yo feel comfortable posting and getting involved as we all value each others opinion here without any of the negative drama you see elsewhere.

Ian

[kristopia]

Hi Sarah - first - keep talking - we bond quickly here - this is a wonderful group of people who don't flame or ignore intentionally, so just keep posting, and bless us all with the chance to get to know you   I'm betting you rock!

Second - as McNee said, I wouldn't rule out online, amongst other options.  If the Long distance thing daunts, then set your specifications to be within a certain amount of miles only.  And say in your profile that you're not interested in long distance.  I'm in the opposite boat right this minute - NEVER looked for a long distance relationship, but one has found me.  If things go well (and it's too early to say), I am willing and able to relocate.  We shall see though.  It's early yet.  It was kind of an "accidental" meeting that worked out. LOL 

Meanwhile, don't just look at online personals.  Like Ian, I LOVE meeup.com - it is a great site with bunches of different groups and a wide range of interests.

[T2Nashville]

Hey Siren - I second what everyone has said so far. I really do understand what you're going through. I was fat for so long, and it's been YEARS since I've dated. I've been happily single and independent for so long, that it's become difficult to imagine my life with someone in it. And yet - I yearn for that somehow. I think we all do - we want to find someone to share our lives with. That being said, like Rob, I'm having a hard time knowing exactly when I'm gonna be ready for that. I tried eHarmony (no luck), I am about to try match.com (we'll see), and I love meetup.com. Lots of fun, LOCAL groups you can join so you don't have to worry about long distance.

However - just like you said, I am having trouble finding the "cues" I need in relating to the opposite sex. Wow, dating has really changed a lot since I did it so long ago. I've been out a couple of times, but either my radar is off, or I'm not putting the right vibes out there. I tend to think it's the latter. One good friend pointed out to me this past weekend that guys want to feel "needed" in relationships. And since I don't put out the vibe that I "need" someone, it's just not getting through. And I don't necessarily "need" someone - I just would like to find someone to share my life with.

Good luck to both of us as we try to find our way through the maze of the dating world! Please share as often as you like. This post was good for me!

[ShrinkinSiren]

One good friend pointed out to me this past weekend that guys want to feel "needed" in relationships. And since I don't put out the vibe that I "need" someone, it's just not getting through. And I don't necessarily "need" someone - I just would like to find someone to share my life with.

Oh wow - me too! I've never needed someone (also relate to what you said about being happily single). Thanks so much for the response, very helpful. And always nice to know there's someone else paddling the same canoe.

[T2Nashville]

Keep me posted on your journey, OK? I'd like to know what you find that works. I have another meetup.com singles club meeting in March - Feb was just too busy for me, so I shouldn't be complaining!

[Mo-Mik]

Hi Sarah - first - keep talking - we bond quickly here - this is a wonderful group of people who don't flame or ignore intentionally, so just keep posting, and bless us all with the chance to get to know you   I'm betting you rock!

Sarah-I'm sorry that I missed this when you first posted it.  As for me, I look for you on this forum and not just because you're from near my hometown-Grinnell- I totally remember your arrival to this place.  You are a welcome addition and I love to hear what's going on with you.  Hope whatever life brings you, you'll share it.  Some of these folks are so cool and the insights are A-1.

[ShrinkinSiren]

Thanks Mo-Mik!
Hey, I'm organizing a Bariatric retreat in Boon over the June 18-20 weekend. Wanna come?

[Mo-Mik]

I will have to check dates but it could definitely happen   Tell me more when you know more!

[Patrina]

Hey...just had a lightening bolt....How far apart are Minnesota and Iowa anyway?   

[patti55444]

Iowa is right below Minnesota.

[Patrina]

So not too far for say, two WLS people to meet for a date?  Dinner would be cheap anyway! LOL

[ShrinkinSiren]

I think I missed something here. What's in Minnesota? (assuming I'm the Iowa half of the equation)

Mo-mik, here's the link to the retreat info. http://togetheronthejourney.eventbrite.com/