next »

[lesliethequeen]

i am venting here because I don't know where else to vent. I am in a very bad place tonight...Most of the world thinks I am remarkably funny and together and carefree. Not so, but why burst their bubbles.

I am having a total melt down and I don't even know why. I had a great day, laughter, cute grandkids, lots of BTV time where I so enjoy being part of an elite group of people and I had a REAL shower! What else could I ask for?

But tonight, while sitting quietly in the living room, listening to my DH cook his dinner and smelling the hamburger he was making for himself, I just started spiraling down.

I feel like I have done the stupidest thing I ever could to myself! Why did I think this was a good idea? I did this permanent, never to be reversed thing to myself to stop myself from having the foods that have been my "friends" for so many years. What was I thinking?

I hurt, and the after surgery time has been awful. I can't eat squat, and probably never will be able to eat much ever again. It's like I jumped in a big hole and the walls are too slippery to get out. I feel alone and scared and stupid! I'd love to let out a scream but I am afraid that the neighbors would call the police on Rob...i feel like a drug addict must feel when he/she is going out of control! And that makes me feel even worse because I keep asking myself Why should food be that important to me? How did I get This out of control that I felt doing this stupid thing was the right idea?

I know...I'm a Drama Queen...no, really I am. BA in theatre, been on stage since I was 4...so I know how to have a breakdown...but I am hating everything tonight and it isn't comfortable...not at all...

My husband and daughter have both said they know it will get better...but they don't have the life experience to comfort me...they suggested that I come here...

So...there...don't know if I feel better but I do know that I don't know when I will feel better...I'm a little nuts here...sorry...

[patti55444]

Take a deep breath, they are right it will get much much better. You are so new to this and you are losing hormones along with your fat so you are going to be VERY emotional. Not to mention the grieving process you are (and need to) go through.

Go easy on yourself and ask for lots of hugs. I know you will eat a hamburger again but not for a while. I wish I were there to hug you, I so remember exactly how you are feeling.

Hugs,
Patti

[kristi-bisti]

hugs to you.

I know it's not easy or fair.

You'll make it through.  I promise

[baka]

What you're going through now is but a speck in time when you look back while attending your grand kids weddings..........

If ya feel the need to talk to a freak PM me and I'll be more than happy to talk you off the ledge.....

Ian

[Jabba2Halle]

This too shall pass.

Try to focus on the reasons why you felt surgery was the right thing to do, and consider how your life would eventually be if you had not gone through with it.  Set personal milestones for yourself (small easily achievable ones) then celebrate them as they go by.

And watch BTV Episode #6 concerning WLS Puberty (about 3 min in) in the Altered Reality segment:
http://bariatrictv.com/video-categories/reviews/2008/12/04/bariatrictv-episode-6-i-love-vitamins/

Remember, you're not alone.  We're here for you.  (((hugs)))

[terribletory]

Vent on! And on and on, if you have to.

And trust me - you will be able to eat more again. I have gained 5 pounds because I am enjoying eating again, and along with that is TONS of guilt!

I have been reminding myself that I have a disease. Even though I am in size 10 jeans, there are size 26 jeans just waiting for me to come back to them.

We are all in this together.

Terre

[T2Nashville]

This is so normal! I cried all day on Day 3 and mourned food for at least the first month. I thought I was going crazy, and like you, I thought, "This is how a drug addict feels during withdrawal."

Here's a big virtual hug! Now go drink your liquids and keep your chin up! Those skinny jeans are right around the corner!

[Indykitty]

Hugs to you Leslie and yes - this is normal! While some folks never miss food again - others of us do mourn it - our friend, our confidante, our lover... our pacifier! Our DRUG! Yes! It is my drug too and I remember pacing the floor - so ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY! and standing in front of the fridge thinking -  I CAN"T TAMP THE ANGER DOWN WITH FOOD! What the hell will I DO? And I was angry for a long time. The truth though, is that the anger was always with me- had been for years and I had been self-medicating with foods- sweet, sugary, carby, fatty, salty, yummy, filling food... but it never filled up that hole in me. Never... now we just have to learn how to deal with the emotions without as much of our old comforter - but you'll eat again.  Maybe not to the excesses we once could - but you can rack up some calories when you're further out. Believe me. I have scared myself with my binges. But the RNY saved my life and you gave yourself a wonderful gift - that's what you did. You'll eat burgers again.  Even fries most likely! And the emotions are crazy with the hormones when your body is healing and starts dropping the fat.  Lots of estrogen in fat, I've heard... so yeah - vent on.  We're here and we'll listen and a lot of us have been right where you are.  

[ttowe]

Sweetie. I urge you to start a journal and copy and paste this post in there, because in a reasonably short time, I expect to see a post that says you are so thankful you did this.  It really is the natural progression.

We all feel this way but I can tell you...it won't last very long AT all.

In the meantime, go easy on yourself.

Toni

[lesliethequeen]

Well, as you can see, I survived the night...

After posting I went to the episode archives and started watching videos because I knew something in there would make me laugh. I stumbled onto the video Val mentioned and it made so much sense. That really helped me to understand the process. I think the scariest part was going from being so happy to so sad and that video really lays it out in an easy to understand way.

You guys are amazing...thank you all for your kind words and those wonderful hugs...I believe I am now addicted to BTV! 

On to another day of adventure...I feel so much better all around right now - let's hope this feeling lasts and I am not blindsided again! Of course, if I am, you'll be the first to know...

Thanks...

[Indykitty]

Glad to hear you're doing better Leslie! 

[kikiwants2dance]

So glad to see you are doing better. Believe me you are not alone I still two months out have my moments. We all have good and bad days hope yours keep comin in the good day form

~kiki

[MacMadame]

When my family ate dinner when I was on liquids, I had to lock myself in my bedroom. The smell would DRIVE ME MAD!

Don't forgot, your body is healing from surgery and your hormones are probably already whacked out from rapid weight loss. Being a little emotional is pretty common right now. Intellectually we know the way it is a few days out from surgery isn't the way it will be for the rest of our lives because people heal. But tell our emotions that!

This period reminds me of a quote:

Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night.

Only in our case it's a bumpy 6-12 weeks!

[Barb]

Boy did this post bring back memories for me... during the first month or so I remember crying no, sobbing at the drop of a hat - sometimes for no reason, or after watching something sad on TV or even just a random thought would set me off. I knew to expect it (thanks to everyone here) but it still threw me for a loop when it happened.

Hang in there Leslie, it's a normal part of this freaky journey! I like Toni's idea of putting your post in a journal to look back on later down the road. You're going to be amazed at all the positives that are waiting for you right around the corner... Now take a deep breath & let it pass. (((hugs)))

[kelannsmi69]

Wow I remember feeling this same thing I literally started crying after the second week post op.  I literally started bawling like the dearest closest family member died.  I was hysterical.  My husband didn't know what to do because I couldn't tell him.  Finally after 15 min I stopped crying and started laughing.  My husband really thought he was going to have to commit me.  I was so embarrassed to tell my husband I was mourning "food".  And that was the truth.  Food died and I had to bury it and have a funeral for it and send it on its blessed way.  It does get better.  About the 3rd month out you can sample things and things you used to like will make you sick and you will hate it.  Oh the times I have stuck my head in the toilet and said "stupid chicken".  But now I'm nearly 8 months out I can eat chicken and I say "wow chicken what great protein you have I appreciate you."  It does get better just be patient.  I love how supportive your family is.  My DH (lets just say the D stands for douche bag on this particular day) made french toast the 4th day after my surgery and sat next to me and was obnoxiously offering me bites.  My roommates in the hospital was on normal diets and being disgusting ordering their menus like they were staying in a hotel.  But because of that I became a stronger WLS patient.  And everytime you get on the scale and see the numbers dropping you will know you did the right thing.

[Seht]

My first couple days home from surgery, my family had Chinese food and Pizza.
I must have been home a couple days because I think I went over and picked up the Chinese order for them.
I tried to be brave and encourage them to go ahead and have that if they wanted it.

Chinese, Pizza, and all things BBQ are a toss up of what is my favorite.  I could eat Chinese every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Anyhow I wasn't as brave or strong as I thought.  I ended up sitting on the front porch drinking my broth and crying.  All I could think of at that time was what the F had I done to myself.

It gets better, and it gets worse.  I still have ups and downs, food is a powerful drug to me.  But there are more up sessions than down when it relates to food.

I'm still glad I had the surgery and I would do it again.

Scott